Unrequited 'love' and the Tamil male

(image source: the internet)

Last week, a lady software engineer working in Infosys was hacked to death just in heart of the Nungambakkam railway station, Madras, while she was waiting for a suburban train early morning. The killer was a 24 year old male who is apparently a mechanical engineering graduate (with varying reports that he still has arrears) from a town near Madurai. Due to CCTV footage, he was finally caught. The reason for the killing was 'love failure'. After becoming friends on Facebook, he had proposed to the girl, who had rejected his overtures. He continued stalking her and finally, made a plan to finish her off which he did eventually, snuffing out the life and dreams of the poor lady and bringing an entire family to a halt. The series of incidents have had TN in its thrall since the day of the crime.

I am going to say something controversial and something that I have observed during my years of existence, the bulk of which have been in TN, my birthplace. I am restricting this to the Tamil male because of what I have observed in men belonging to other states. I may be off the mark, but I believe that a lot of grudging acknowledgements will eventually trickle in.

The terrible part of 'TN culture' is that from day one, boys and girls are discouraged from moving with each other. If a boy is found to a girl on the street or in school, he has committed a crime worthy of punishment of Talibanesque proportions. 'Aren't you ashamed?' 'Do you not find boys of your age to talk to?' 'What will your parents feel?' are things which the boy will get to hear. This 'taboo' culture has permeated to a lot of levels with such prudish overtones that till the boys and girls finish school and college, they are not human beings who have interacted with each other. Do you know that in engineering colleges, you can be fined for talking to girls? Or that certain engineering colleges have separate lunch timings for boys and girls? Or that, worse, some engineering colleges have separate entrances and staircases for boys and girls to go to the same class? 

Once these world beings finish college and hit offices for work, they get the chance to see, meet, speak to and mingle with girls and that is where they run amok like a bull in a china shop. 

Add to this, the great average Tamil movie, where the most beautiful heroines 'pine and thirst' for the average looking heroes who are shown not even interested in their overtures. These heroes don't even look at girls (looking at them would only be for the sake of 'helping' them) and they don't interest them.(I am reminded of movies of yesteryear actors like MGR who would 'close' their eyes on seeing a girl...ah.... so pure are these Rishyashringas.. it would rain on arid deserts if they only stepped on them!)

The other angle would be where the hero stalks, makes overtures and the girl says no in the beginning of the movie and by the end of the movie it is the girl who is chasing him like a headless chicken all over town, after seeing his 'golden' heart. The hero is shown to be really brainy and brawny, with 'only' looks being a downer whereas the heroine is one of the most beautiful damsels on this earth with a chicken-headed brain to boot. The hero 'gets' the heroine and, how! After 'advising' her on culture and ethos and how not falling in love with him would only be her loss and that a hundred other girls will stand in queue for his 'golden' heart. These movies have created a warped up notion of 'love' and yes, the youngsters lap it up. Add to these, 'bar' songs denouncing the 'cheat' in the woman. Romantic scenes show the hero all over the woman's anatomy like virtually holding a passport over her entire body. 

Worse still, there are movies that show as if violence against women is all pervading in society. One of the scenes I hate in these movies is where the woman is slapped, hurt. It is almost as a de rigueur for a woman to be hit...wives, girlfriends...you name them, they have all been punched in the face by various males. 

The worst of the lot, graphic scenes of rape. (This, when even marital rape is a crime) I hate to even read stories of rape in the news because that is the lowliest form of crime a man can indulge in just because he is a ******* male. It just makes me squirm. (An aside....the worst movie scene I have seen is from the French movie Irreversible (2002)...it is so graphic that you will vomit - what were the makers thinking?)

I am talking of the average movie, not the ones that are decent and show women characters with a brain.  

Now, let us connect the dots. When boys and girls get to meet each other in offices, these warped up lives that they have seen and heard come to haunt them. Bloody hormones play a huge part and invariably, the fairer girls get hit on first. Chased and stalked. Just imagine the mind of a girl who is stalked at bus stops and railway stations - everyday places she has to use to earn money. That now, would be 'fear'. The boy gets the feeling that it is his right to 'own' a girl and he goes about it. When the person gets rejected, it is like "If I don't attain her, I will eliminate her." Retrograde.

I have seen that this is a problem very prevalent among Tamil boys because of the factors I delineated above. This is not going to change unless there is a paradigm metamorphosis in the ethos prevalent in the society. I am not trying to generalise things, but the society has to do something about this. It starts in the family.

I studied in 'boys only' schools till class ten, except for a brief intervening period of one year in class five. Classes eleven and twelve where when I interacted with girls. I was very much an introvert. I managed to become friends with girls after I was made a leader of a group during a period of training at railway stations and offices. A lot of talking and understanding makes you realise that it is just a matter of a difference in chromosomes - girls are also human beings, after all! Of course, my parents have also never made me feel alien if I talked to girls. It is also a 'not so small' matter of bringing yourself up and the 'attraction' part falls through. Trust and comfort is what is a girl looking for.

Today, some of my best friends are those who belong to the fairer sex. I have opened up to many of them and so have they, to me. 

I always advise my little boy to be most comfortable moving with girls. It is a matter of respect, I tell him. He studies in a co-educational school where his teachers are women and many school mates are girls.And yes, movie scenes are movie scenes, I clarify at every opportunity I get. I am sure he will conduct himself with dignity.

I only hope that these incidents ( here's hoping that they don't recur), unfortunate as they are, serve to highlight the malaise that haunts the society and serve as eye-openers to parents and educational institutions. Let there be change!