Paris and me...... Ah, isn't it this?

I wanted it all back,

the tilt of the head,

the smile,

the long afternoons,

the long drives,

the shopping,

the care,

the laughs,

all the love, care, affection

Above all, a 'I love you'

....I still do.

I missed

the days,

the trust,

the comfort,

the happiness,

the coffees,

the smiles,

the wait,

the very thought that we are there for each other

.....I still do.

I prayed the Gods to bless us with

the laughter and smiles, 

the bells,

walks hand in hand, 

eyes only for each other,

waiting at the door for each other,

All encompassing embraces,

Hugs and kisses at the drop of a hat,

Comfort in each other's bodies,

Orgasmic love making finding heaven each time,

Shoulders anytime,

Beautiful twilights,

Tea and coffee weekends,

Cooking together in the kitchen,

Long sleeps in each others ' arms,

....I still do.

I waited

Every day,

Every sunset,

Every night

Every other moment

Every day

Every hour

Every minute

Every moment

Just wishing for you. 

....I still do.

My love is...

I searched for an expression to say, show, display..... love

In words

In languages

In signs

Everywhere

....I still do.

I asked

The sun, the moon, the sky, the stars,

The trees, flowers,

The habitats,

The gushing streams,

The lakes,

The birds,

Them all

To carry all this to you.

....I still do.

I

I asked

I beseeched

I commanded

I prodded

I begged

The Gods,

With a true heart, with full of love for you and you

.....I still do.

Love

Love is true,

Mine is truer

Love is pure

Mine is pure(r)

Love is godly

Mine is godlier

Love is mad

Mine is madder

Love is everything

For

A place where find, you can, Is my heart

But, I realised....

It's this

It's this

It's this

The care,

The affection,

The wish,

The prayer,

The contentment 

This is love

How blessed I am to even be capable of that?

Isn't the greatness of this feeling

Is that it's brimming everytime?

I came,

To give my all,

And take nothing

After all, what can a man who has the purest of love, want?

Take it

Take it all

Ah, how beautiful and contented is this feeling!

I have risen,

Above the ground

Above the trees

Above the sky

Above the sun the moon, the stars

And I find that I am very very light.

Take all my love

Because I am capable of only more!

Ah, isn't giving the best feeling of all?

Aren't the persons capable of it, truly blessed?

This is what I need

The realization that I can be selfless...just selfless

This love is mine, just mine

It's beautiful this feeling

It is..... just like heaven

I own my love

There's no other owner to that

Yes, Just like heaven

Isn't the ability to love, lovely in itself?

Pocket sized dynamo

"I am a lover of intellectual stuff. I counsel lot of people."

He must have known, with the last thirty minutes flying like a flash, what with a crash course philosophy.

There she was, like a pocket sized dynamo, but having a presence that would be hard to ignore from any corner of the restaurant.

"We see everyone we encounter as a mirror"

"Subconscious mind doesn't always work closely with the conscious one"

"What makes us a little different is being aware of all these thoughts and therefore being able to quickly check on one's expectations and correct them and move on"

"We look for mirror images"

"Give selflessly "

"In a situation I do whatever my heart tells me. Not because I want to do it for someone else

But coz "I" want to do it"

"You are what you are"

"Love is a habit. We sometimes bring distance and try to get rid of it"

"The first thing I use is - heart......And I am proud of being that.....Head comes at work and only when reqd with relationships"

"I believe in giving it all"

"We always want what we think we don't have"

"You will only be smiling. If you have complete belief. Use all your senses. Have clarity of your message. And dream and smile"

Thirty minutes seemed like a treatise where he wanted to note down every quote and chuck them onto the internet on Pinterest.

"You are so sorted out.." it came out, almost in a half fanboy moment. He was not sorted even about his next meal or tomorrow's dress. When someone like her, who was so sorted out, goes in pursuit of something, he could not visualize anything that they couldn't get. He could not believe that someone could exude so much positivity. It almost appeared that she was having an effect even on others at the restaurant who were not listening to her. He was confident that she would have every one of them eating out of her hands.

"See all my tales, OK, all of them..... are aspirations and not inspirations as many think. The aspiration part comes in when there is no inspiration." He said, with a posing face.

The answer she gave left him reeling. "Having worthy aspirations, is inspirational...All don't have them !! Practice gratitude for being what you are. I, for example, think that I am awesome at everything I do."

She succinctly summed up life in one little para:

"I have found one global answer for all life situations.

Whatever happens

Happens for good

I may not know the good now

But wait till God shows you

Why this had happened

Trust him and trust the wait"

"You know", he quipped, "Perhaps what you did to me today is called psychiatry? And they charge a bomb for it!!"

She laughed. A half smile, half laugh, indicating perhaps of an uneasy nod to the fanboy. Sometimes, the ordinariness in a person is what attracts you to him or her. That's because they are just being themselves. But special people attract everyone.

She continued,

"Love is when you do it selflessly. Care is same. If you care with a feeling to get it back all the time....stop it..Right away...Coz world does have crazy people who don't reciprocate. But, can you judge the world by one person? You have all the reasons to stop being you !! That is this !! Caring!! But do you have a single reason to really - not be you? Is that the lack of reciprocating in few people?"

"Well, no..." he paused. How could he say no? Even if he did, he did not have the articulation to back it.

"Your positivity depends on you..Not world's acknowledgement of it"

The more he talked with her, he felt like he was communicating with a force, a bundle of energy. Is this what psychiatrists are made of? Well, he corrected himself at that moment. Certainly not. This is from the heart. Just flows. Like the babbling brook. It is gushing forth.

"Don't apply the sunk cost fallacy to life. Do it coz you want to do it even today. If your gut tells you. The day that stops. Please move on. Blessed are those who can wish happiness for others."

The huge bonus her talk brought him was that she could see the positive side to anything; everything. She was neither blunt nor do did she mollycoddle situations.

Life has perhaps taught her to live through any situation. Or did she teach life instead? 'Throw me all you got, baby I can handle?'

"Our heart sets standards

Each time...

Unknowingly

And we can't go below our own standards

Whatever you focus on, expands

Do it your way

If you can practice firm belief

It's done.

A feeling from the heart

Always reaches the other

And therefore...Do it with all your energy and belief"

That seemed like two high level haikus combined!

"Do you know what love is? I want you to fly like that eagle in the sky. Free. Carefree. Float on water like a wood plank does. Light. Love is that feeling for me. If you are dying without someone, why don't you love them to live? I am a serendipity...energy...person My heart is like my little baby. It keeps asking, pulling,nudging; If it's yours...It will happen!"

Now, where did that come from? He had to read, reread and play it again in his mind to decipher what she said. But by that time, she had let out a few more pearls of wisdom, which he had to ask her to replay.

'Don't..." he started, only to be cut short. "Don't is a negative word," She said. "Have you found me using it?"

He would have said, "Don't is a negative word. I don't use it". He found that there was no 'no or don't' in her denial too!

She seemed like the pocketful of sunshine one which he can carry throughout his life.  

"Your dimpled cheeks make your smile even beautiful", he said. But he had not braced up for her next ace.

Shall I tell you something? Dimples are caused by a deformity in the facial muscle. Around 15-20% of the world population have it. It is an envious deformity though; the rest goes ga ga over us. The interesting fact is that the lack of something, a negative thing actually could out so much pleasure. It is God's way of saying, 'I am myself imperfect. I have given all that you want. But whatever I have given you, can be a source of joy'"

He listened with rapt attention at this analogy, on something as innocuous as dimple, and how she could parry that into this! He seemed more charmed by her analogy than her dimples themselves.

After the meal, they left. As she was getting into her car, she said, "I am miraculous!" Was he ever thinking otherwise?

His head was slightly spinning. She left him in a daze. But, why was he longing for the next meeting already?

When one has to let go of things

Focus not on letting go of things – focus on taking hold of your thoughts

- The Bhagavad Gita

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”

– Hermann Hesse

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

– Alexander Graham Bell

“Your past does not equal your future.”

– Anthony Robbins

“We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

– Joseph Campbell

There is an analogy in Test cricket – on a seaming wicket with overcast conditions and a new ball to boot, for the opening batsmen to lay a stron foundation for the team’s score, they have to primarily do one thing – stay there. Leave as many balls as possible, defend or whatever, but not try anything foolhardy as the new ball, the seaming wicket and the weather conditions make it difficult for strokeplay. But if you show some patience, you will be able to learn how the wicket behaves, see the shine of the new ball and then play your shots.

Which is why Test cricket is a test of character and patience is one of those that you have to exhibit. So, you let go of many balls as possible as they may contain a potential landmine.

Life’s like that. At times, when you are stuck with things, the only answer to them seems to be time. There is a colleague of mine, who, when confronted with situations, keeps telling me, “just leave it; time will take care of it.” This is an approach that he has been following for many of life’s challenges – personal or professional. He tells me that the best answers to the problems or situations, to mildly put them, lies in being able to just stay there and weather the storm.

But is it so easy? Or is it difficult? Yes, a mixture of both. The key in letting things go is that they help in presenting different phases of life to you. Many a time, these worries are things that you can never do much about. They only end up spoiling your current phase of life, which can never be regained. I, like everyone else, wish I had answers to a lot of situations that life throws at me, but I don’t. None of us has. The worries are the negative things that end up one overthinking and leading oneself to depression. I am not saying one should be impervious to situations and thought – I wish it was so easy – but one needs to force oneself to tide it over and not focus. It is not easy, particularly if you are alone, but it certainly not impossible. And there is no other way to come out of this.

Emotional reactions to situations you cannot do anything about result in an impact on physical health. You never know - some time from now, the thing that you were giving so much importance to, may not be even relevant at all then! A favourite quote of mine – Life is what happens when you are busy planning things.

People, things, situations come and go in our life. People, are like chapters in a book called life – there is always another chapter waiting to be read. So once you end one, there is another waiting. So are situations. So the key to seemingly unsolvable situations is try to ignore them – they end by themselves. I have seen in life that situations which seemed so giant and unsolvable have gone past that I may don’t even remember some of them.

Let of the ‘why me?’ thought process. On a plane, you are always better than most people in this world – on many counts. No one has a bed of roses in life, they make it seem so. Which means they have mastered the art of letting it go. Yes they have. It’s time we all learnt that.

Once you learn to appreciate what you have and concentrate on things that make you happy, you will learn the art of letting these seemingly painful situations go; you can actually see them dissipate that at one point of time you will start ignoring them.

There is one thing I keep telling myself – bad things happen so that great things result. If the bad things did not happen, then I may not be able to appreciate the great things in my life. Everything happens for a reason. I just love this oft used line – ‘Life is all about timing’. Count your blessings. If something in your life is going to change, it will happen when you don’t expect it; maybe even so naturally that you don’t realize it happening - when the timing is just right. You need to be ready for it. And things will happen at that time. It is just that you have to tide the ‘bad’ days like the opening Test batsmen tide those bad overs. 

Que Sera, Sera!

There was literally no one in the queue, when I went for the security check. 

Checking over, I was awaiting my bag when the security flagged mine. 

"There is a bottle inside. You will have to show it" he said. '"Oh." I opened my bag and showed him the shaving can. He took it, examined and gave it back.  '

He checked with a colleague of his. "There's another," he said. 

I reached out for the can of Yardley Gentleman perfume and showed him. 

"You will have to drop it here," he said. "Why? " Puzzled, I queried. 

"It's only 100 ml you can carry as hand baggage" he said.

"Fair enough, but this can contains less than 50ml. Perhaps, even lesser", I said. 

I have thus habit of keeping away cabs that are about to get over for plane travel as they allow only 100 ml. 

"No", he said, "that's not possible." 

"Please hold it and see for yourself." He said, "That's not my problem. If it's 100, it's 100." 

"I have been doing this all along. The can is marked 125 ml, but it contains way less than that," I tried to plead.

"This is a new rule, even the container should be marked 100 ml and below. Which is why I gave your can of shave gel back as it was only 75 ml." 

I knew it was futile to argue. 

The other option is to carry it as a check in baggage", he said. 

I approached a superior of his and tried to reason with him. He, while sympathizing with me, shrugged his shoulders, stating his helplessness. 

With no option left and having time at my disposal, I went back to the Air India counter. As as luck would have it, a long line had collected. I had to take my wallet, phone, earphones and power bank (they don't allow power banks as check in luggage after the Samsung Note 7 fiasco). 15 plus minutes later, my revised boarding pass was ready. 

When I came to the security check in counter, an unpleasant surprise awaited me - another long queue. The same security staff flung a wry smile at me. 20 odd minutes more. My pockets were full with assorted gadgets bulging out of them. 

The flight landed at Delhi; I had to wait another 20 odd minutes for the baggage to be delivered. If the can was allowed to be carried as cabin baggage, this ordeal would not have arisen.

At Delhi, I reached the guest house and opened the bag. The can of perfume was not to be found. I opened the bag inside out, but of no avail. I then realized that in the melee, I had forgotten to ask the airline staff to use a plastic lock and zip my bag. Someone had made away with the can! 

All the drama and more than an hour of my life spent on nothing. Just nothing! I might have just dumped the can at the Bombay airport and got on with life!  

Que Sera, Sera!

Stockholm Syndrome

Can you be in a relationship that is abusive, how much so ever it is coming from a person who keeps saying he loves you?

This is the premise of the Mani Ratnam movie ‘Kaatru Veliyidai’ (‘Breezy Expanse’, Tamil, 2017). With a relatable performance from its heroine (Aditi Rao Hydari as ‘Leela Abraham’), splendid visuals and the usual magic from A R Rahman, the movie does manage to convey, in bits and pieces and fits and starts, as to what it is to be in such relationships.

The way the girl falls for an air force pilot, however clichéd it might be, only reinforces, a back of the mind thought that all said and done, people in the forces – land, air or water (Air being the ‘IAS” of those) do make girls fall for them easily. Perhaps the fact that they are able to do something which very few others possibly do on earth, which is flying a plane sets them apart!  Maybe it looks superman-like!

The way she fends off his initial advances plainly suggests one thing - she wants him to woo her again. An independent woman that she is, she says she has chosen a course of work as her mother says no to it. However, what strikes the discordant note is that the wooing is also like arm twisting! And the girl, at some level seems to willingly submit to it – perhaps only because she is smitten. When in love, you just forgive ….everything!

He does the usual things that scream ‘chivalry’ – placing a sweater around her, making her feel special in a solo ride she almost becomes like his fan girl, which is only too evident of all of us in love. Time is always too short for those who need it. But for those who love, it lasts forever. 

“You are lying, but it's nice to hear that!” – Her dialogue pretty much sums it all up.  

Yes, the initial charm and ‘infatuation’ (used for want of a better word) wears off like the proverbial blue colour on the fox and the ‘reality of life’ starts to sink in. He then comes across as someone who is very self-possessed, jealous, proud, narcissistic, a misognyst…

He abuses, humiliates her in public too. Never lets go of a chance to put her in place. And yes, uses force against her. Doesn’t seem to have having any qualms of doing all this and coming back to her. A greater crime than the crime itself, is when you feel nothing when you are doing the crime. He doesn’t. 

"See? Didn't I tell you she will come back? Will you ever find a girl like this? That's my girl.”

When you know that a person will be around you whatever you do to them emboldens you to perhaps trivialising the person at some point. Maybe not value the worth of the relationship. The greater crime is allowing such insults, abuse to be perpetrated on you. The fact that she allows him to do all this is symptomatic of the Stockholm syndrome, at some level. It is almost that she has been kidnapped by him and she starts liking him, though he is too self consumed. It is evident of the fact that independent women can fall for such men and even continue to stay with them for years before they come to their senses, before it hits them.

When you are in love, you forgive. Almost everything the person in love with you does to you. Even insults. Which is what happens. She loves him to the hilt that she doesn't seem to mind going back to him though he insults her, speaks ill of her in public, runs her down and what not. It is like he only wants her as a ‘trophy wife’. Beauty is not the only thing in a woman. In fact it's the last thing perhaps? 

But, a person who allows all this….Well, are the hormones to blame? I guess so.

She herself says, “Either you treat me like a queen or you throw me on the ground and stomp!”

Why do you keep going back to the same person even if they ignore, maltreat you? There is no other rational explanation for such irrational behaviour. At least I am not able to think of any. What kind of person man crawls into his own grave in search of hope? A desperate one, perhaps?

Who is responsible for abuse? I guess it's the person who allows the abuse to happen to her is equally responsible. When a, person is not able to look into the eyes and speak, then they aren't perhaps speaking the truth. He does not, particularly when he has to apologize for his actions. Pointer, ignored.

The possessiveness is also what perhaps the undoing is. 

She says she needs an equal relationship where she is respected. But she is not ready to walk the talk herself till after a point of time. All of us have our tolerance levels and boiling points. She has hers too. Men cannot fear what they cannot see. One day they do and that’s when the fear sets in. Even in relationships. More so, in relationships.

Why think separately of this life and the next when one is born from the last?  

Those who have seen hell, know that there is a heaven. That, even after the darkest night, the sun will rise again. That is well, hope. We have to fulfil our destiny. She does too. But, if the suffering is self induced, one cannot help think if there is a masochist in her. Every one of us, maybe?

"After being captive, I have realised how to share a life, Leela."

Is that too late in the day? Well to each, his own. It is like how long can you survive the syndrome and then come to your senses.