Do you internalise your feelings?

“Sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in but what was worn and hackneyed out of all sense and meaning”

― Jane Austen (1775-1817) in Sense and Sensibility

I have been having difficulties keeping to myself

Feelings and emotions better left upon the shelf

Animals and Children tell the truth, they never lie

So which one is more human

There’s a thought now you decide

Savage Garden in “Animal Song”

(image source: urbanmysticblog.wordpress.com)

(image source: www.pinterest.com)

Back in 1997-98, when I was interning as an articled clerk, there was a colleague (no names) who used to come all the way from Tiruvallur (a suburb on the outskirts of madras) to T Nagar, Madras for work. Now, this person had a very peculiar habit – he used to pick the phone from office and yell at his parents / brother once every two/three days. ‘Yell’ may perhaps not be a right word, but the conversations used to convey that he wasn’t very comfortable with them and blame them for something that either happened during the day or in the past. I used to get very conscious during these phone calls because the office was itself just one room; but more particularly, because the tone of the call was never ignorable. It always used to bother me. We weren’t well acquainted at first and hence I did not ask him about this strange behaviour of his. In due passage of time, we got quite acquainted. One day, I asked him as to why weird conversations were happening. Being a very outspoken personality, he candidly told me that there are certain events that happen in his life which he could not control and to express his frustration, he does this ‘calling and shouting’. He said that he was not able to tackle the problems and express his frustration at the people causing the problems and it was easier for him to do this to people whom he was comfortable with. This also gave him a sense that he was in control and kept them at a distance since he did not want to get close to anybody. He was perhaps 26-27 years old then and this answer of his threw me off. He left the office after a year. I could not fathom the importance of that conversation and his reply then, but started to comprehend the same in later years.

Just see what Jane Austen has to say in the earlier quote. I believe she had a lot of suffering to undergo - her health, life, a marriage proposal that she rejected, customs prevalent at that time and the fact that her novels took a long time to get published and when published, she was not credited in them as it was not considered 'correct' or 'ladylike' for a lady to make money through writing then in England. Now, this suffering was apparently internalized and kept to herself, which showed in her writings.

Are you an expressive personality? Or do you keep your feelings to yourself? If you keep your feelings to yourself, then you are internalising them. Internalizing feelings has a starting point.

An event, a change of course or something which triggers it.

Once you go along with it, it assumes dangerous proportions. Why does one internalize feelings? There could be multiple reasons. The first is the fear that you would be misunderstood. The other is the feeling that you could end up not being yourself while expressing your feelings. People who internalize feelings may overreact on occasions since they feel that they are misunderstood.

They bottle it up during the event that bothers them and blow up later, particularly at persons who are close to them. The reason is that they are comfortable doing it to persons whom they are close to. They want to be understood, but could be cold. They need to get this off their shoulders. They hide behind certain ‘disguises’ created by them since they cannot communicate their feelings. They want to be in control and if they are not able to exercise it, they feel lost and cannot tolerate it.

It could even be that they do not know how to express their feelings or maybe do not find comfortable expressing them because they are constantly concerned as to how the others would react to their feelings. Of course blowing up at many people is not the solution. When a person internalizes his feelings, he makes the people close to him also to carry that burden. Sometimes it is necessary to let people know how you feel, no matter how hard it may be.

One needs to express things else they stay with you. Internalising is not always as good thing. It can be stressful as you do not have an outlet to vent it out and it sticks to your head. It is good to act civil and not to blow up, but these bottled up emotions end up frustrating you no end. This could also be because we are taught at a young age to not show anger at situations or people and control ourselves. Instead of snapping or withdrawing, it is better to take time off and speak about it.

The only way around this is to speak to a person whom they trust and tell them the real issue. Perhaps one way is to write things down – the things that piss one off – and then tell them or vent them to a person one by one. This will make the you feel better. However this needs to be expressed to a person whom you trust. This is because the person should be in a mood to listen and should not make you feel vulnerable.

I read from the internet that a medicine called Carbamazepine exists for those internalizing their feelings! It is supposed to be a mood stabilizer! There are support groups and therapists abound in the West for this issue as this is just a branch of depression. However, I am never in favour of medicines as I believe they give only temporary relief. And they have numerous side effects.

Just never worry – I always feel that bad times are like good times; they come to an end too!

(Also posted on https://www.quora.com/Do-you-internalize-your-feelings/answer/Pradeep-Ramakrishnan-5) 

Right and wrong

(images sourced from the internet)

“There is no right or wrong; only our thoughts and perceptions make it so.” 

― Debasish Mridha, American Physician

“Just say something nice and right, and then see how so many people try to prove the same thing full of lies and wrong.” 

― Anuj Somany

“Rights can be considered wrongs, depending on who is judging.” 

― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

“It's not about making the right choice. It's about making a choice and making it right.” 

― J.R. Rim, Better to be able to love than to be loveable

"Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.” 

― Augustine of Hippo

“So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.” 

― Ernest Hemingway, in 'Death in the Afternoon'

“More evil gets done in the name of righteousness than any other way.” 

― Glen Cook, Dreams of Steel

“The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.” 

― Confucius

"The hell with it! There ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue. There's just stuff people do. It's all part of the same thing. And some of the things folks do is nice, and some ain't nice, but that's as far as any man got a right to say.” 

― John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

What is right and what is wrong? Who sits in judgment of what is right and wrong? Is there really a right and a wrong? Can what is right for someone be wrong for another and vice versa?

Every religion, spiritual person or a head of a sect talks about a right and a wrong. The things that you should do to be on the side of the right and the things you should avoid so that you are not on the side of the wrong, and so on and so forth. One does not need to believe in God to decide what is right and wrong. But, firstly what is a right and what is a wrong?

Today, the society - each section has its own “society” for moralising - decides what is right and wrong. There are unwritten rules which manifest in the society's actions and decisions on what is right and wrong. Some of them get codified as law. It is however, left to the individual to ignore the pressures of the society and go about his own life without waiting for the society to sit in judgement over his acts, as long as they are lawful and are not disruptive or hurtful to others in normal course - else, the law is there to take care of his acts. Yes, perhaps some right or wrong is in the interests of a stable society; in the absence of right or wrong, each person could do what they want.

In this post, let us only concern ourselves with the uncodified laws, which transpire as right and wrong.

What constitutes as 'sin'? A 'wrong' is generally regarded as a 'sin'. All religions do have their own concept of sins - the seven sins / 'wrongs' in Christianity, the ten commandments, five poisons in Buddhism, the tenets of Dos and don'ts in Islam etc.  (I find that Hinduism is less 'preachy' that way - there are tenets, but there is no absolute right or wrong and if so, it is relative. The Mahabharata is the best example of what is right and wrong depends on you.)

Common sins (wrongs) are pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth. A lot of these are seen as qualities that may impede spiritual growth. however it is arguable if they apply as vigorously in material life as well. 'Thou shalt not....' is the commonly used prefix whilst referring to these wrongs. But are the wrongs really 'wrong'? And by not participating in the wrongs, are we actually doing what is right?

Sloth, for example, is laziness. Gluttony is eating too much. Wrath, a manifestation of anger.

Sloth? But isn't being lazy something we like sometimes. Monday mornings, for example. Do we ever feel like going to school or office? Don't we feel like lazing in bed? Lazing even helps you recharge and refresh. Even calm you down and refresh your thought process.

Anger? Anger, when channelised in the right direction, can, in fact, produce magic, change oneself.  Sometimes, it helps one recover from pressing situations. It indicates the intensity of resistance to a thought or a deed.

Greed? As the character Gordon Gekko says in the Hollywood movie 'Wall Street', "Greed is good." It is indeed good because it pushes you, motivates you to raise the bar, to achieve more, which you would not if you were content with something less. It motivates you to go further and explore.

I believe that these 'wrongs' are not 'wrongs' as such, but it could also depend on the strength of the dose of the wrong. You can't be lazing all the seven days, for example. But one cannot say it as wrong. It is bad, but not wrong. It is for the person lazing around to decide.

For a moment, let us take away religion and God from the picture. Can things only be right and wrong? Only black and white? Why can't they fall into some other category? As they say, 'shades of grey'? Take away religion and morals and we would be left with action and consequences.  

I don't drink. But is it right on my part to say that drinking is wrong?  Wouldn't that be very convenient? Smoking is bad, yes. But is smoking wrong? When I say smoking is 'bad', I am express an opinion. When I say smoking is 'wrong', I am pass a judgement. Get the drift? Hence a 'right' or 'wrong' is associated with what I do, I can do and what I want or need. My goals; my views; my actions.

There are no absolute standards by which we can decide what is a wrong. Only subjective, egoistic notions. In fact, the debate between right and wrong would not arise if there was a settled notion or something objective on what constitutes right and what constitutes wrong. If there is still a debate, and there is indeed, it means that there is no right and wrong. I believe a wrong can be only on a matter of fact and not a matter of perception. For example, if someone says that the earth is not round, then it is wrong. This is because that it is proved that the earth is round; we have read it, seen it with our eyes. So for saying something contradictory to that, you need to prove and you can't. Is one plus one two?  It is, and it is a fact. If you get a different answer, then perhaps you are wrong. If you don't understand a fact then you have not understood all the laws.

But a matter of perception? Who decides what is wrong and right? You cannot tell someone that his opinion is wrong just because you don't share it, isn't it?

A man does not take care of his family, idling and boozing. The society has a right of opinion on it but not impose itself. Adultery, for example. The Indian Penal code gives the right of complaint to the lady wronged by the adultery committed by the husband and not to the society. In fact, this right of complaint is not even given to the husband by the IPC! The only thing that might perhaps be wrong in such a case is when you take away from another, what rightfully belongs to him - it could be his life, possessions, persons near and dear, even peace. Nothing else can constitute a wrong. That is again, perceptive. No one can sit in judgement and point fingers at you otherwise. Social iconoclasts have been the people who have lived their lives to the hilt and done it right, according to them, which is why many of such ilk have gone on to become achievers in their own right.

The world is a perfect place or an imperfect place depending on  how you see it. We are all different and hence it is not possible to opine similarly on right or wrong. Don't expect someone to share your opinion for you to feel better. People criticize, because that's the most adopted hobby. It is the favorite pastime. Opinions of right or wrong are personal. Just ignore. So, go ahead and just do your own thing. Just do it, keeping in mind that while we may chose to lead our life the way we want, we are responsible for our actions and their consequences. 

To conclude, a story from the internet:

A wise Zen frog was explaining to the younger frogs the balance of nature: "Do you see how that fly eats a gnat? And now (with a bite) I eat the fly. It is all part of the great scheme of things." "Isn't it wrong to kill in order to live?" asked one of the frogs that was listening to the sermon."It depends on....." the wise frog was just answering the question, when a snake came out of nowhere and swallowed before it could finish his sentence. "Depends on what?" shouted the frogs. "Depends on whether you're looking at things from the inside or outside," came the muffled response from inside the snake.

Sick at 35000 feet above

Travel tips: How to avoid carsickness, seasickness and airsickness... Be careful what you eat. And stay home.

― Charles M. Schulz, The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 16: 1981-1982

Imagine breathing in and out at the same time: you couldn't get any air, and would soon pass out. It's the same with multi-tasking.

- Michael Powell

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.      

 - US Air Force Manual quotes 

Health is not valued till sickness comes.

-Thomas Fuller (1608 - August 16, 1661) was an English churchman and historian

I stepped onto a plane for the first time in my life in 2004.

But after 2009 in particular, my life has been extensively spent at airports and hotels. I have flown very frequently, both officially and personally. There was a point of time when I used to be on a flight every other week. In fact the past four weeks itself, I have done a two flights every week plus another add on, totalling to nine flights. There are a couple to follow next week too. That comes to 11 in five weeks!

There have been days when I have gone from Madras to Bangalore in the morning, Bangalore to Hyderabad / Kochi for a meeting in the afternoon and checked into Bombay for the night after a flight from Hyderabad / Kochi. In all these seven years, I would have flown about 300 odd flights in my life, so far. I am not exaggerating - every other person flies these days - but this is the truth.

Hence I have got used to waiting at airports for security check-ins, for flights to arrive, for flights that have been delayed, waiting inside the aircrafts for them to take off -  all these years. I go to airports well in advance before check- ins, complete all security formalities and keep walking about. In fact at most airports, I just walk in and out like a zombie as I have been in most of them.......multiple times.

Thus, for me, 'airport' / 'aircraft' life is nothing strange. It is a de rigueur and I am comfortable flying every time. At the least, I am not uncomfortable. I have not experienced any discomfort or uneasiness inside flights or airsickness as they call it. Some people have the airport syndrome....where the cacophony of the persons and activities in the airport causes you to become uneasy. Airsickness is something we all know. It is a form of temporary sickness caused due to physical and mental elements of the body. Your brain could get conflicting signals. You could feel like jumping off the flight, walking around etc.

Hence on my flight to Bombay from Hyderabad last Friday night, I was unprepared by what was to happen to me for the first time. The flight took off on time at 7:05 pm and was air-borne.

I invariably book the window seat and this time it was no different. The middle seat is obviously not preferable as it is torturous and the aisle seat is something where you have to keep adjusting your arms and legs every time passengers and air hostesses sashay up and down the aircraft. So I endeavour to book the window seat as far as possible. Sometimes, window seats are available at the last rows of the aircraft but I still take them. They are perhaps the most 'private' seats in a plane - at the least one hand can be rested without disturbance.

On a flight, I either listen to music with my phone on flight mode or read. I cannot sleep on flights unless I am dead tired, which is very rare. Even so, I cannot sleep for more than 20 minutes.  

Coming back to this flight, two ladies next to me - appeared acquainted - were chatting with each other. I was listening to music for around 30 minutes. On seeing the battery drop to 9%, I switched the phone off. The airhostess provided me the food booked on the flight, which I promptly took placed inside my bag as I did not feel like eating.

Around ten minutes later, a strange thing happened. My mind suddenly appeared to be talking to me. My body appeared to be mildly shaking and I felt restless. Something appeared to pound my head. I asked for a cup of water and gulped it down. No avail. Then I tried to down the juice given by the airline down my throat, but I did not feel like taking it in. In fact, I felt like vomiting. I could not concentrate. I thought of getting up and going to the washroom but there was a long queue already. Then the head started to ache. Ache badly. I suddenly felt tired and very uneasy. It was some discomfort that I have never experienced before. I tried to look outside the window and concentrate on something, but since it was night I could see nothing but black. Nevertheless I continued but I could not focus after five minutes. Voices started sounding inside my head.  I felt like telling the ladies to keep their voices down but, for as a sign of good deportment, I did not. To be fair, they did not appear to be too animated or loud, but it was very difficult for me to bear. The smell of the food served added to the nausea. I folded my hands, tried to recline in a non-reclining seat being the emergency exit, stretched my legs, tried to do neck exercises....all futile attempts. I could say I felt claustrophobic. I wanted the plane to land.  Desperately. At 35,000 feet in the air, you can't do that at the drop of a hat. Not that otherwise it would have happened. I tried to close my eyes and attempted sleep. In vain. I buried my face in my palms and tried to remain like that. Then I looked at my watch and gauged that it would take another 45 minutes for the plane to land. Painful. I did the same attempts for the rest of the 45 minutes but they were perhaps the most testing minutes I have ever experienced on a plane in my life.  

I was the most relieved person on the plane when it landed.....more than even the pilots. The effect was such that, once on the taxi, I asked the taxi driver not to switch on the air conditioner in the car, fearing that the plane experience would repeat. He said the rate includes the a/c. "No problem, I will pay for the air conditioner, but I don't want it," I said.

Once I reached home, I had sandwiches and made myself a really hot and strong brew of coffee. A rare occasion when I had a coffee before hitting the bed! I have another flight in two days. For the first time in my life, I am feeling weird about flying.

Excerpts from Anna Rodrigues' diary

(image source: the internet)

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change so that every new moment is spent not in regret,  guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom, understanding and love"

- Jennifer Edwards

Stand up, be bold, be strong. Take the whole responsibility on your own shoulders, and know that you are the creator of your own destiny.

-          Swami Vivekananda

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Live your life, sing your song. Not full of expectations. Not for the ovations. But for the joy of it.

-          Rasheed Ogunlaru

Freedom can never be reached by the weak. Throw away all weakness. Tell your body that it is strong, tell your mind that it is strong, and have unbounded faith and hope in yourself.

-          Swami Vivekananda

  

Exhaust your worries and they will soon leave you.

-          Stephen Richards

Life is not to be taken seriously, as we are really temporary here. We are like a prepaid card with limited validity.  

-          Chetan Bhagat

Where there is a will, there is a will to search and discover  a better day

Where a positive heart is all you need to rise beyond and succeed

When times are dim say as I say "Where there's a will there's a way!

-          Tupac Shakur

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!

-          Mike Dooley

What we are waiting for is not as important as what happens to us while we are waiting. Trust the process.

-          Mandy Hale

         

Abdul was rushing for the 5:33 pm Vashi local train on a wet September evening in 2015. Just as he was reaching the Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, Bombay, his eyes caught a book on philosophy he was searching for months. He asked the book seller, “How much?”’Two hundred.” “Two hundred?” “Ýes, this is a rare book, though a slim volume.” Abdul was in a rush to catch the train and had no time to bargain. He forked out 200 rupees and bought the book. Once in the comforts of his home at Vashi, New Bombay he opened the book. He started reading portions of it and then flipped the book. To his surprise, there were small sheets of paper, seemingly hidden inside the book. Some of them fell out. It was in neat handwriting, presumably that of a lady. There were five sheets of paper. They appeared like torn off sheets from a diary. He started examining them.  

May 20, 2015

The difficulty and pain that arises from lack of sleep due to things that plague your heart is something that I don't wish to even my worst enemy, even though I am not sure that I have got one. The darkness and the stillness of the night only compounds the situation. You just realize how helpless you are in life and how you are dependent on external factors, circumstances and people to help you. This paralysis is affecting the whole body and unfortunately the brain and the heart. What can I do but just surrender, kneel down and pray? Why does this hurt so much?

May 23, 2015

I only know God is doing this for a reason. Though this is perhaps the most hurtful phase in my life, I will get over it as I know that something good is waiting in the end. The problem with me is that I am too concerned about people their feelings and opinions. I don't want to hurt them even unknowingly. This certainly is not the right approach to life but I am unable to do anything else.

May 24, 2015

My life has become such that I am taking it every one hour at a time. Just an hour. I am unable to think beyond the hour. Yes, when you can't do anything, the best you can do is just hang in there. Just keep surviving. Wait it out. Senthil was talking today on the importance of staying there in the game of cricket – stand and the runs will come, he said. Everything in life needs patience. I can do that. Isn't that the least I am expected to do?

May 29, 2015

Office meanders along. I try my best to engage myself. I am a team leader. My company depends on me. After all, I need to be honest for the money I take and not be a bad example to people who look up to me.

June 1, 2015

Every now and then I fall into a trough. It is very difficult during those times. It is very depressing. Very shocking to note that I could fall into depression myself. Amusing sometimes, to note that I had given a talk on how to avoid depression some time back. How times change! How people change! How have I changed! This is something that is paralysing my head, heart and body altogether.

June 3, 2015

I look at people, birds, trees. The TV lies unused. When did I last switch it on? I try to read, walk. I even sometimes just sit aimlessly. It is all about pushing myself to survive another day. Can I? Can this end, please? Why is this so difficult? Is it because I have a heart? Or is it because my head is not strong?

June 6, 2015

The world does not know me. The real Anna Rodrigues. This is not a person they have ever seen. In fact this is someone who I have myself not seen! 

June 9, 2015

When the day ends, I am happy... I have suffered, but survived another day, which gives hope that I can do it again another day. How long can I do this?

July 1, 2015

If egg is broken by outside force, life ends. If broken by inside force, life begins. Great things always begin from (inside). What a line! I am feeling something. Inside me? Perhaps. Can something come in from inside me?

July 1, 2015

The greatest test of faith is when you don't get what you want but still you are able to say... "Thank You Lord”. Yes Lord, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But help me, please.

July 2, 2015

When someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation.....It is that simple! How profound! Is it so simple, though? Ah, how I wish I could do that!

July 6, 2015

If it's meant for you, you won't have to beg for it. You will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny. God, can you give me that power, please?

July 10, 2015

No? Yes!

Abdul was unmoved for sometime after reading the excerpts from the diary. Anna Rodrigues.....it was a lady; he was right. He flipped the book to find if there were any more loose papers. He could not find any. His mind oscillated between concern and partial nervousness because she had written them only around three months back. Uneasily, he opened his smartphone and searched the internet for the combination of “Ánna Rodrigues + Mumbai”. He clicked the news tab on Google. While he was searching for the words itself, the words “Anna Rodrigues”, suicide” came up. His heart skipped a beat. Mild beads of sweat appeared over his forehead. Then he clicked on the links:

“Borivli: Techie attempts suicide, saved at hospital”

“Doctors save techie who attempted suicide”

“All is well for techie who attempted suicide”

He learnt that Anna Rodrigues, 28, a team leader at Genpact India, leading BPO services provider attempted suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills at her Borivli home on Friday, July 10, 2015. However, she was moved to the hospital by alert neighbours and since it was done in time, doctors could save her life. She was recuperating at the hospital.

A jolt of relief shot through Abdul. Unbeknownst to him, his face curved a smile. A thought crossed his head – he resolved to meet Anna.