When friendships break...

(images sourced from the internet)

He who delivers another from danger and removes terror from the mind is the greatest of friends.

- The Upanishads

Because I want us to be friends again. I made some really bad choices and I am sorry.....if we don’t fix this now, it won’t be fixed.

- Katie Mcgarry

In life we never lose friends, we only know who our true ones are.

- Anonymous

I used to know you the best and now I don’t even know your name.

- Mya Waechtler

True regret is knowing you simply missed your only opportunity to be simply a good friend to someone that was exactly like you.

- Shannon L Aider

When a love affair ends, the tree is torn out quickly. The operation is painful, but clean. Friendship withers quietly, there is always hope for revival.

- Anna Lyndsey

Friendship is delicate as glass. Once broken, it can be fixed. But there will always be cracks.

- Waqar Ahmed

The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend.

- Heather Brewer

Fake friends believe in rumours. Real ones believe you

- Anonymous

A friendship that can cease can never be real.

- St.Jerome

There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.

- Anonymous

No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.

                                                                                                                  - Alice Walker

A friendship is a very unique relationship, something to be treasured for life. It gives you something which no other relationship can give, which is why it is said that if a husband and wife are best friends, there is nothing more they can ask for. A friend is a person whom you can turn to in the darkest moments of your life. The reason is that all of us wear masks outwardly and to the world, we are generally people who are putting on or trying to put on an ideal behaviour. But with friends, we are ourselves. We break down in front of them. We long for their shoulders to lean on. We thank them profusely, particularly in our hearts, when they support us. In fact, during the darkest moments of our lives, either we are alone, or with friends.

A relative can be a friend, but a friend is not considered a relative. The reason perhaps is friends are those people who are intangibly related to you and bring so much value to your life, which others can never bring.

The thing that I am going to discuss in this post is not on the importance of friendships – everyone knows that and has a perspective on that – but what you do when a friendship is breaking. I am talking about real genuine friendships and really thick ones. This is not applicable to acquaintances. When do you find that a friendship is breaking? There are a lot of pointers - the friend avoids you, does not text you (often as before, sometimes), does not reply to texts, manages an awkward smile when in front of you, is not as open as before, keeps largely silent when with you, does not keep you informed about his or her whereabouts – you  can see them coming. The biggest pointer is when you start learning about them from others. This means that the person is really trying to avoid you.

What do you do? It hits you, doesn’t it? It does, particularly when you value those relationships. It makes you numb. The hardest thing for me is when a friend treats me as an acquaintance, a nobody at times.

Well, for starters, analyse when it went wrong and where it went wrong. If the friend who has tried to move away from you is really someone to be valued and with a clear and level head, then there should be a reason why this happened. What did you do to him or her that resulted in this situation? Think of situations that could have changed had you behaved differently. Situations where you could have behaved better. Sported a more supportive demeanour. Incidents that tested your trust and you were found wanting. Actions and words which could have led to this situation. Be more sensitive, particularly, to man-woman relationships i.e. where you are friends with the opposite sex. There is a possibility that one could even get attracted to the person in such cases and where you take it depends upon you both. However, it is important to ensure that the friendship is treasured.

Never be judgemental, but gauge yourself. I am sure, you will find situations where you could have done better, much better. This is because, no human action can be set right in hindsight. We are what we do and we don’t ‘do’ right many a time. A lot of reasons could result in this – there could be a series of misunderstandings that could build up, a friend may even be jealous of you (in which case you cannot do anything), a third party would have spoken or done something to drive a wedge (happens in most cases.....I really am unable to fathom what pleasure they derive from such acts), or there could have been something that could have gone wrong between you – an argument, perhaps?

Introspect as to whether you have been at fault. Once you have found that you are at fault, just approach the friend and apologise. It is tough, particularly for persons who have huge egos, but if you value the relationship, it is nothing. Be honest, say things from your heart and mean them when you say them.

This takes a huge burden off your chest. It does. I have done that.

Now, wait for the other person to accept your apology. It is not easy for some people to change immediately. Uniquely, I have very high tolerance limits and perhaps a bottomless glass of patience. I can accept an apology and move on in an instant. People may take time to do that. It could be, because they value you more than you think they do. At times, a friendship can actually bond stronger after it breaks. Unlike any other relationship, a friendship can take off again at any point of time. Time, as I always say, is the best healer. Give the other person space and things, time.

Now, how much is time is ‘time’? Depends on you, I would say. It depends on how long can you wait for the person to come back to you. A week, a month, a couple of months, even six months – all this depends on your tolerance limits and ability to play the waiting game. More importantly, the value you attach to the relationship.

But, what if it does not happen?

Well it is tough, but simple. Easy and difficult. No life can depend on one person. If the person values you, he or she would not do this to you. A famous actor said, “I make it harder for the persons who like me most.”

It is true with many friends. They make it hardest for you. They perhaps want you to realise what you meant to them. But remember, no relationship matters so much that you hurt yourself. To me, a friend is unique. I can count, on my fingers, the number of close friends I have and I will still have a lot of unused fingers! No one can replace a friend. In fact, for me, no friend can replace another friend.

There will be a breaking point. At that time, just let it go. Letting it go is tough - it crushes you - but not letting it go keeps crushing you. As I said in one of my earlier posts, when someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation.

Do it and your heart will get lighter. Move on. You can.