Love, Romance etc.

“Love is...’You are dear to me’ (tautological?); ‘I am yours’ (silly, perhaps?); ‘I cannot live without you’ (false, not reality?); ‘Kama (Cupid) has taken over me’ (impolite?); I am excessively pained (very familiar?); ‘You will come to know that I loved you when I die’ (Impossible?).....or all of these?

- Bana Bhatta in ‘Kadambari’

“Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.”

- Lao Tzu, Chinese Taoist Philosopher, founder of Taoism (5th Century BC)

“I want you, but I also want to get over you....... and neither are happening!”

- Unknown

“A young woman in love always looks like patience on a monument smiling at grief.”

Jane Austen in 'Northanger Abbey'

"There can be no love without pain"

- Irving Stone

“Love can be obtained by begging, receiving it as a gift, finding it on the street.....but it cannot be stolen”

- Herman Hesse in “Siddhartha”

“Sometimes you don’t see that the best thing that has happened to you is right under your nose.”

- Cecelia Ahern in “Where Rainbows End”

“The tear drop that once stood trembling on your lower lip....while I watched uncaring, lost in delusion, while it still clings to your gently curving lashes, I shall now wipe away, my beloved, to be free from remorse”

- Kalidasa in “Shakuntala”

“Love and existence of a cause for such love, the two are mutually contradictory”

-Raja Sudraka in Mrichchhakatikam (The Little Clay Cart)

 

(image source: www.feelgrafix.com)

(image source: www.brainyquote.com)

(image source: www.brainyquote.com)

On a Valentine week, here is a post on - what else? - love (with thanks to a friend of mine for giving a lady’s perspective of this post). Let us start with something different before going to the main topic.

In the Hindi movie Bajirao Mastani, the protagonist falls in love with a person other than his wife - someone who has been very dutifully taking care of him and waiting for him all through her life.   

However, he falls in love with another woman. The whole thing becomes an albatross around his neck as he is nether able to go forward nor backward – not that he tries to go backward, but the situation is such. Social pressures apart, the issue is how does his wife react to such a situation? Can you fall in love again?

Well this is really arguable – how many times will you fall in love in your life? Can you fall in love while in love with another person? Very complex, indeed, isn’t it?

The moral stand is not something I would like to discuss, because this then becomes another point of discussion altogether. Further, I am against any socially imposed morals being accepted as ideal in any situation because of the fact that they are just that – imposed on people but not accepted. If accepted, then they are grudgingly accepted. Every single convention, moral or by whatever name you call it, is just that. No one can place himself or herself in another person’s shoes. So it is easy to pass judgements and indulge in name calling.

Love is an abstract phenomenon. Abstract in the sense that there are no perfect explanations as to what constitutes as love. It varies from person to person and from situation to situation. There is no ideal definition of love. And I wouldn’t like to bottle it up in a few words either. The quotes above are a perfect example as to how many definitions can exist for love.

When is one in love?

One realises that he or she is in love when they start missing that person or remembering the definite touches they did to your life. This is when it starts. When you are in love, or you feel you are in love, you need to just ask yourself the question, just to be sure. Give it time and pretend that it is not happening. If you are able to convince yourself, just move on. But if you are not, then you are perhaps in a spot of bother – you are indeed in love. The art of finding if you are in love or not is giving it time and grappling with it by playing the devil’s advocate. It is for your own good as you need not doubt yourself tomorrow as to whether you are in love or not. It adds a lot of credibility to the decision, because the first person whom you have to convince is your conscience. People understand and experience love differently at different stages of life. In their 20s, chemistry and the physical elements play a big role and perhaps as one grows older, the companionship and even platonic angle become important. This is why people falling in love in their 20s are vulnerable to mistaking infatuation or attraction for love.

This is important because as much pleasure and ecstasy love can give, it stings equally with such ferocity that every other pain is bearable. Yes, there is no feeling in this world as love – the ecstasy, the magic, bliss ...ah! It just transports you to the seventh heaven! But, be warned - the pain caused by love is an invisible killer – it can destroy you.

I am of the opinion that love that arises just out of sympathy or sometimes, fear could perhaps be unnatural (Actually, love does arise out of sympathy in many cases, in fact!). These emotions are those which catch humans out of their comfort zone and they do not end up in rational decisions. If one falls in love out of fear or sympathy, I guess it is a decision from only from the heart, but with little or no application of the head. Not much logic, I would say. I think, as I said before, If I were to ask that question to myself, then I will get the answer that I am indeed not in love but am trying to do something to do assuage the fear or plug the sympathy. However, as some would argue, when did love and logic go together?

Can you fall out of love? If you can fall in love, you can fall out of love too, though I believe it may, at some degree, stay with you throughout your life.  But you can indeed move on. The reason is that love comes with expectations. There are certain disappointments that love can take but everything should not be a disappointment. It is like saying that you can make compromises in life, but life itself should not be a compromise. For example, though in my case I say that I care and all that, there is an underlying expectation of a reciprocal action from the other person’s end. It is true with any relationship. The least you can expect out of love is that the person will leave you in peace! If not, you might as well stay alone, isn’t it? It is already peaceful! However, the more narrower and focussed love is, there is a need to guard against possessiveness and obsession.

Love ascends and descends but the intensity is same. The consequences of love are different, but strangely, for the people in love, the consequences of love – however good or bad, are immaterial. Love is a predicament that one is in and the things that it forces one to do, the unnatural behaviour that he or she exhibits, all lead to a very unfamiliar (or is it familiar?) existence that I find difficult to gulp. It is a phase which is unimaginable and involves courses of action which one refuses to believe that he or she took, are taking and will take.

The other question of the day is answered here. I believe, that one may tend to fall in love again if the earlier pursuit was a disappointment or did not meet expectations or did not leave him in peace. But the question is can you fall in love while being in love, as in the movie?

I believe, sorry for taking a slightly ‘moral’ stand, it can be justified there is a void in the earlier relationship. Every relationship comes with its own pluses and pitfalls and leaving one for the other because of flimsy reasons might just not give you a convincing answer. You may be back to square one. However, all this is indeed debatable......when you can be angry with more than one person, can’t you love more than one person at the same time?

What is love, for me?

For me, love is beyond the carnal and the sensuous. It is not to say that if I love someone I don’t desire that person – that would be a lie, a white lie at that. Lust is also an integral part of love. I would like to have dinner, look at the sunset, go for a long drive without any destination in mind, enjoy the beauty of nature the or just look into the eyes of the person I love. But, for that deep hug and a kiss...I would even die for that! I am actually, a romantic at heart. But I can perfectly balance that relationship, perhaps even platonically, because I just care. Caring and affection comes too naturally to me. For me, love is more about being dependable, caring and showing affection. However, there needs to be communication, interaction. While I will always be there for that person, I also expect the person to be there for me. I, however, don’t think I can fall out of love. It just stays with me. 

It is complex, perhaps, but it is so – to every person, since everyone has their own parameters defining love. It has a lot to do about companionship. The person should be there for you and should be one you can depend on, cry and laugh with and feel safe and secure with. There will always be ups and downs in a relationship but the larger goal should be to be there for each other. There is also a thought process that love that carries the burden of expectations is selfish. But what is life without hope, expectation and longing?

So, are you in love?