Acceptance

“I’m not okay, you’re not okay, and that’s okay.”

– William Sloane Coffin

 

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

– Mark Twain

 

“It is easier to make our wishes conform to our means than to make our means conform to our wishes.”

– Robert E. Lee

 

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

– Lucille Ball

 

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”

– Dalai Lama

 

“Acceptance doesn’t mean that life gets better; it just means that my way of living life on life’s terms improves.”

– Sharon E. Rainey

 

The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”

– Stephanie Perkins

 

Around a couple of years back, a friend and I were having one of our deep discussions on life - the seeming unpredictability of the future, and impact of situations and thoughts on daily living. During the course of the discussion, she posed, “have you ever thought of accepting where you are?”

 

We all have heard of ‘accepting’ things in life. Well acceptance is something we all read about, casually use in conversations and hear philosophers speak about. Accepting something is understanding that the situation, the person, the time is what it is and not looking at these through coloured prisms i.e. sans resistance. We are mortals and we want things in life, the way we want and the time when we want. Disappointments surge when we don’t get these. But when we are able to look at these through a dispassionate eye, the discontent is marginal.

 

Acceptance is of two types:

 

i.             Passive

ii.           Active

 

Passive acceptance is accepting people, situations etc. as they are - when you see something, and believe that you cannot do anything to change it and move on; active acceptance is when you try to do something about it. An example can be a chain smoker in the family. When you believe that the person can never change the habit and you live with it, it is passive acceptance. When you accept that smoking is an inseparable part of the person but you try to help him or her kick the habit, you exhibit active acceptance.

 

Acceptance involves a very important thought – that we live in an imperfect world and we are also epitomes of imperfection, as much as the others. We all have our own ‘Achilles heels’, our own pitfalls. We want people to think like us, live like us; that is the starting point of dissatisfaction and a muddy mind. When you are not disturbed, you are clear when you make a decision.

 

Do you know why? It is because acceptance actually results in making you see a clearer picture; it sharpens your intellect.

 

One facet of acceptance is diverting oneself from situations one can do nothing about. A very common example is being caught in a traffic jam. What do we do when there are vehicles in front of us, to the back of us and to the sides of us? Is cussing and cursing and being exasperated about the jam going to change the situation? No. So we do things to divert ourselves from the seemingly static situation we can do nothing about - play music, chat with a co passenger etc. By these actions, we are also unconsciously accepting the fact that we have to lose time in the traffic jam.

 

Accepting situations, people needs an open mind, which will help you tide over things. It ensures one is not disturbed or angry. One needs to reassure oneself that acceptance doesn’t mean resignation and the consequent morbidity, but only means that one has recognise that something is what it is.

 

Live in the present moment, they say. What does that mean? Worrying about yesterday or tomorrow is one of the walls to acceptance. It is important to think, but not question the present moment. It is inevitable, whatever happens can never happen differently. The heart is precious real estate. Don’t give this to people who don’t deserve it. I remember writing once on letting go. There is a time to recognise that one has to let go; this is one of the stages of acceptance. Learning to live with things is acceptance; you do that by letting go too.

 

Unrealistic expectations are a barrier to acceptance and one has to pluck them out. It is important to learn from the present as one will never get it back. One of the symbols of needing to invite acceptance is seeking validation from others for who you are, your actions. Trying not to do that is difficult, but not impossible. It is a slow process but an important facet of acceptance.

 

The present moment is not just a fraction of time; it is much deeper than that. It is very deep, very vast. One has to remember that there is a time for everything to happen and it will happen at the right time; if not, there’s always something bigger waiting. This makes acceptance a breeze. The result of acceptance is peace and more importantly, happiness.

 

Opposite values are complementary, stay stable in life. Make peace with yourself. There is a very profound quote by Charles Fulton Oursler, an American journalist (1893 – 1952) which I recommending framing in our heads:

 

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future.”  

 

That’s all about it!

 

Pradeep Ramakrishnan