Stockholm Syndrome

Can you be in a relationship that is abusive, how much so ever it is coming from a person who keeps saying he loves you?

This is the premise of the Mani Ratnam movie ‘Kaatru Veliyidai’ (‘Breezy Expanse’, Tamil, 2017). With a relatable performance from its heroine (Aditi Rao Hydari as ‘Leela Abraham’), splendid visuals and the usual magic from A R Rahman, the movie does manage to convey, in bits and pieces and fits and starts, as to what it is to be in such relationships.

The way the girl falls for an air force pilot, however clichéd it might be, only reinforces, a back of the mind thought that all said and done, people in the forces – land, air or water (Air being the ‘IAS” of those) do make girls fall for them easily. Perhaps the fact that they are able to do something which very few others possibly do on earth, which is flying a plane sets them apart!  Maybe it looks superman-like!

The way she fends off his initial advances plainly suggests one thing - she wants him to woo her again. An independent woman that she is, she says she has chosen a course of work as her mother says no to it. However, what strikes the discordant note is that the wooing is also like arm twisting! And the girl, at some level seems to willingly submit to it – perhaps only because she is smitten. When in love, you just forgive ….everything!

He does the usual things that scream ‘chivalry’ – placing a sweater around her, making her feel special in a solo ride she almost becomes like his fan girl, which is only too evident of all of us in love. Time is always too short for those who need it. But for those who love, it lasts forever. 

“You are lying, but it's nice to hear that!” – Her dialogue pretty much sums it all up.  

Yes, the initial charm and ‘infatuation’ (used for want of a better word) wears off like the proverbial blue colour on the fox and the ‘reality of life’ starts to sink in. He then comes across as someone who is very self-possessed, jealous, proud, narcissistic, a misognyst…

He abuses, humiliates her in public too. Never lets go of a chance to put her in place. And yes, uses force against her. Doesn’t seem to have having any qualms of doing all this and coming back to her. A greater crime than the crime itself, is when you feel nothing when you are doing the crime. He doesn’t. 

"See? Didn't I tell you she will come back? Will you ever find a girl like this? That's my girl.”

When you know that a person will be around you whatever you do to them emboldens you to perhaps trivialising the person at some point. Maybe not value the worth of the relationship. The greater crime is allowing such insults, abuse to be perpetrated on you. The fact that she allows him to do all this is symptomatic of the Stockholm syndrome, at some level. It is almost that she has been kidnapped by him and she starts liking him, though he is too self consumed. It is evident of the fact that independent women can fall for such men and even continue to stay with them for years before they come to their senses, before it hits them.

When you are in love, you forgive. Almost everything the person in love with you does to you. Even insults. Which is what happens. She loves him to the hilt that she doesn't seem to mind going back to him though he insults her, speaks ill of her in public, runs her down and what not. It is like he only wants her as a ‘trophy wife’. Beauty is not the only thing in a woman. In fact it's the last thing perhaps? 

But, a person who allows all this….Well, are the hormones to blame? I guess so.

She herself says, “Either you treat me like a queen or you throw me on the ground and stomp!”

Why do you keep going back to the same person even if they ignore, maltreat you? There is no other rational explanation for such irrational behaviour. At least I am not able to think of any. What kind of person man crawls into his own grave in search of hope? A desperate one, perhaps?

Who is responsible for abuse? I guess it's the person who allows the abuse to happen to her is equally responsible. When a, person is not able to look into the eyes and speak, then they aren't perhaps speaking the truth. He does not, particularly when he has to apologize for his actions. Pointer, ignored.

The possessiveness is also what perhaps the undoing is. 

She says she needs an equal relationship where she is respected. But she is not ready to walk the talk herself till after a point of time. All of us have our tolerance levels and boiling points. She has hers too. Men cannot fear what they cannot see. One day they do and that’s when the fear sets in. Even in relationships. More so, in relationships.

Why think separately of this life and the next when one is born from the last?  

Those who have seen hell, know that there is a heaven. That, even after the darkest night, the sun will rise again. That is well, hope. We have to fulfil our destiny. She does too. But, if the suffering is self induced, one cannot help think if there is a masochist in her. Every one of us, maybe?

"After being captive, I have realised how to share a life, Leela."

Is that too late in the day? Well to each, his own. It is like how long can you survive the syndrome and then come to your senses.